Stay-in-hair Dad

By Camille Warner

9 min read

Sometimes, I wonder why seeing fathers do their daughters’ hair is so novel. It honestly makes me wonder why fathers aren’t just as responsible for their daughters’ hair as the mothers. I guess we can contribute this to the patriarchy and that doing hair is not a manly, but I feel as though that is a cop-out. Doing hair is an opportunity to bond with a child in a way that is hands-on. Fathers should not feel that helping with their daughters’ hair is threatening to their masculinity, but rather a chance to get to know their daughters and have stories to tell in the future.

As a Black woman, I have had plenty of struggles with my hair, but my father was always there to help me out or at least struggle with me. When I was little and my mom or aunt was not available, he would be the person to do my hair. He never complained about the coarseness of my hair. He honestly never complained about anything. As I got older, he continued to help me out. If I needed a part to be straight, he was always the person I went to for help. We used the opportunity to talk about ourselves. He would talk about helping his little sister with her hair when they were little, thus showing that he has been practicing on Black hair for decades. Interestingly enough, I would not describe my father as man who is lacking in masculinity. He was the “man of the house”, and I believe that he believes that making sure his daughter is good is just part of his duties.

He always supported my hair goals. My freshman year of college, I decided to shave most of my hair off. Although my father did not particularly like the style he was still supportive. He would take me to his barber to help when I needed a line up. When I came home from break, we would go in the afternoon. My father would not say a word during the haircut. Instead, he would quietly read his paper, pay, then we would leave. Once again, he felt it was his duty to me to make sure I looked good. He may never know how much those barbershop visits would mean to me because in those moments, I felt that he loved me because he was willing to show me support in something he really did not understand.

I would eventually force my father into harder labor. I would make him take out my hair for me when I had braids or twists.  At first, he would jokingly complain. He would state that my mother could do it, knowing very clearly that my mother was often in no mood to help. He would pull up a chair near the TV so we could watch a program together. If I was in an especially good mood, I would let him watch the news or sports, but most of the time we would watch what I wanted to watch. At first, we would start off with both of us taking out the hair. I would cut the extra length of the braids off then we would get started. Eventually my fingers would start to hurt, so I would just stop and let him do most of my hair. My father never ever complained about his fingers hurting. He never wanted to take a break. He would just stand behind me and get to work.

One year I got very adventurous and asked my father to help do my hair. I wanted faux locs but I did not want to pay for them, so I decided to do them myself (with my dad’s help). When I told him about my plan, he looked at me like I was crazy. But like always, he agreed. I had done the braids myself (poorly, but no one would see them). His job was to wrap the braids to create the faux loc look. My dad took his job very seriously! He watched videos on YouTube before starting. I did not really care what they looked like, I just wanted them done. However, he wanted them to look professional. He even went out to get a lighter that’s used for BBQs because he didn’t think that using a small lighter would be good enough. During this whole process I forced him to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. At first, he complained, but then he started getting really into the show. It would be silent at times because I was focused on the show, and he was focused on both the show and my hair. When we did talk, we would talk about anything. We talked about his childhood- him telling me stories I’ve heard a million times, but still hanging on every word. Finally, after a few hours he finished. I was surprised- he had done an amazing job. When I returned to school after break lots of people complimented me.

When I told them my dad helped, they were shocked, They were surprised that a man would agree to do this and actually do a good job.

Finally, I put my father up to the biggest task, detangling my hair. I have a love/hate relationship with my hair. I love how it looks in its natural state, but I hate detangling it. I often go long spans of time without detangling my hair, because I simply have no will to do it. This past Thanksgiving I put both of my parents to the test. First, the day before Thanksgiving I made my mother take out my twists. Surprisingly, she agreed to do it. She said it would be a great opportunity to bond. Then, the next morning I washed it, then it was game time. I had told my father days before that I needed him to detangle my hair. He was resistant at first, saying he was too old (he’s 71), or that my mother could do it. However, Thanksgiving afternoon when I came to him with the detangling brush he was ready for the job. I explained that he had to comb tip to root and gave him a bad example. He took the brush from me and got to work. We did not have much time because we were going to my cousins’ house for Thanksgiving. As he started, he kept apologizing for not doing a good job because he did not know what he was doing. I continued to reassure him that he was doing a great job and that whatever he was able to do was fine because I did not even want to do it in the first place. Slowly he got through my whole head. I was very proud of him. His job was not over yet. I handed him the oil, then the curling cream. He was nervous, but I was encouraging him. Sometimes he would pull a little too hard, and I would say “ow! (But not loudly because I did not want to discourage him). After he was finished, I told him he did a good job. He was proud of himself. My hair was not perfect, but it was perfect enough for me because my dad had done it all by himself.

 My father and I have always been close, and I think that him helping with my hair has definitely contributed to that. I think that more fathers should take the opportunity to learn about their Black daughter's hair and help them grow to love their own hair.

I know that part of the reason I like my hair is because growing up my father always complimented it and encouraged me to wear my hair naturally. The feeling of my father putting his hands through my head will always be associated with love, and I wish that every Black girl could feel that too.

Camille Warner is a graduate student at Howard University in the Developmental Psychology Program; she is writing in from Hyattsville, Maryland. Currently, her writing focuses on depression and how it tailgates to hairstyling.